Last night at Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles, a gaggle of familiar faces (or voices, at least) gathered to pay tribute to the world's favorite ne'er-do-well, Andy Dick, during a fundraiser for the upcoming documentary Everybody Has an Andy Dick Story.
We'll back up for a second: If you live in LA, there are only three things you can take for granted: Good tacos, bad traffic, and being bothered by Andy Dick while out one night. Everyone has a story about the guy (thus the documentary). Apparently, this even includes electronic music legend Moby. The bespectacled polymath opened up the evening with what we presume to be his stand-up debut. And hey, it was actually pretty funny!
We have the full transcript below of Moby's favorite Andy Dick story. Beware, the retelling involves Moby climbing upon a piano and pretending to defecate....
"I realize there's one story involving his giant penis and having sex with his boyfriend on the bed of my loft in New York, while an audience stood around and watched...But that's the whole story right there. One thing I will say, I was in the audience watching him have sex with his boyfriend on my bed, after which I had to throw out the sheets because they were so fucking disgusting. He has the largest penis of any human being on the whole planet. It's like if Willem Defoe had two penises, that's what Andy Dick's penis looks like.
So...My actual story: The year was 2001, and I was doing the most enjoyable tour of my life. I had organized this festival called Area 1. It was me, Outkast, New Order, and tons of other people. It was the last night of the tour. I had been on tour, pretty much straight, for two years, and this was the last night. My girlfriend came to join me. It was in Glen Helen, on the way to Joshua Tree, a big, outdoor venue, 30,000 people. The show ended and I was so excited...
My girlfriend and I started walking back to my dressing room. Andy had driven out with some of his friends and, during the course of the day, had made friends with some of my friends. I'm walking to my dressing room, so excited, this two year tour has ended on such a high note. I get to my dressing room, and John Taylor from Duran Duran and Charlize Theron--this is some good name dropping-- are walking out of my dressing room ashen faced, like something terrible had just happened...which it did.
I looked at them, they're both taller than me, and they just shook their heads with...despair, despair for our species and their involvement in it, the fact that they share DNA with what the people they've just observed, lke they've just given up..."Andy Dick is in your dressing room."
Because it's the last night of the tour, my manager had splurged and got me a beautiful, big, vegan cake. I've been a vegan now for twenty nine years. Which really means I could never be a stand-up comedian, because I'm not dangerously obese and I don't hate women! Sorry. Too soon?
I walk into the dressing room and. Can I borrow a table? I'll use the piano...Imagine there's a cake. Andy has his pants around his ankles and is squatting over the cake, in the process of pooping...on my nice, vegan cake to celebrate the end of my tour. At this point, my very drunk friends are standing around him, yelling 'POOP! POOP! POOP! POOP!'
I look at them, like, 'Everybody, this is Christy, my girlfriend.' Andy looks up, in the middle of pooping, gets up, leaks some poop on the cake, pulls up his pants, and says: 'Moby, I'm so sorry about your cake. But would you like some champagne?"
My friends tried so hard to be stony faced, but ended up laughing. Andy had taken the cork out of the champagne, emptied half of it, and filled the other half with piss. So...that was the way I celebrated the last night of that tour. And I have loved Andy ever since!"