It’s rare that I read something that makes me guffaw loudly to myself but the article I came across today by Vice magazine writer Gina DeLacey certainly did. Ostensibly a how-to guide for the fairer sex on the under-discussed subject of recreational drug use, DeLacey manages to fill it with such hilariously articulate gems as the two I’ll share with you below….
"DON’T BE A LEECH
No one is going to listen to me when I say this, but: NEVER take an individual line of coke from anyone. Trust me, it's good advice. If you’re getting on it, commit and buy your own. You’re going to want a lot of it and there are no words in the world to describe how icky it is watching someone else scout around for spare coke (that's an oxymoron BTW). Guys will use coke to persuade you to fuck them and if you think you’d never do that for drugs you’ve obviously never run out of coke at 3 AM.
DON’T TAKE DRUGS WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD
Do you really think that after three pills (if you're a girl, never go higher) you’re going to remember what time your tampon needs changing? You won’t. Fuck TSS, you’ll look like a walking abattoir. Combine this with a 95% probability that you’ll want to have sex when you’re high and you have a perfect recipe for homemade shitcake right there. When guys find out they’ve wasted their entire night trying to get into what is now a womb-smeared Three Mile Island, you'll probably be stuck giving a lame blowjob for three cum-less hours. Numb drug dick + 12 hours spent gurning = a few days walking around like you've got Moebius syndrome."
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